Questions are the Answer
“The important and difficult job is never to find the right answer; it is to find the right question.” ~Peter Drucker
I have a deeply ingrained belief that asking a question is a negative reflection on my intelligence. Teachers in school would offer a moment at the end of class to “ask a question if you don’t understand the lesson.” Who wants to admit they don’t understand something that was just taught? Any hands that went up would be met with a snicker from classmates.
I am a problem solver. I love taking things apart and trying to figure out how to put them back together. I love researching and studying in order to resolve an issue or create something new. This love of problem solving some in part because I love a challenge and am a hands on learner. But I also think there is a part of me motivated by a belief that if I figure it out myself I don’t have to ask a question about something that I “should” know and risk looking silly or being judged for not knowing.
For many months, maybe years, I have been agonizing over my relationship with my fiancé’s oldest daughter. It’s not an easy one, as often these types of relationships go. I feel solely responsible and accountable for making it better. Not a day goes by without thought or anxiety about how to help her, how to be liked by her — or at least respected by her, and make life in the house less tense for everyone in the family. I read books on the subject. I meditate on it daily. I give her father advice. It’s a huge weight on me. I get upset that I can’t seem to make it any better. And I feel so guilty on those days that I just want to ignore it and not have to think about it anymore.
Last week her father was traveling for work. She was up early and our paths crossed in the kitchen as I was making coffee. We exchanged pleasantries and I took the opportunity to coordinate with her on activities happening in the day. I wrapped up by saying that I wasn’t trying to pry into her business, nor trying to hover over her. I wanted to know her schedule because I care and want to help. Her demeanor softened as I communicated this, which impelled me to ask her a simple question…”May I give you a hug?” She said “Yes” and immediately walked into my arms. We embraced for a few seconds and then went about our business and into the day.
I was amazed! Here I have been agonizing over how to address the relationship issue…searching endlessly for the answer. And with one simple question, we made a leap forward!
What is your belief about questions? Is the question or its answer more valuable? What if the question is the answer?
For a book on this subject, check out the book Questions Are the Answer by Hal Gregersen.
Have a great week!
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